By Erich Schoeman (Clinical Psychologist; Executive Coach)
Matters of the Soul (www.mattersofthesoul.org or www.sakevdsiel.org)
 
6 - 7 minute read
 
Burnout is something that is akin to this generation and close to my own heart.  Several years ago I started my clinical practice, full of vigour and at an alarming pace.  Slowly my emotional and physical resources were waning.  After a few years of self neglect I found myself at a low point.  It was a two year journey of recovery to get to my new normal, a place where I did things different from before.
During the process I learnt a number of valuable lessons, one of which was that I failed to notice the signs of approaching burnout.  In this article I attempt to assist you to recognise these in advance.   
We tend to be passionate about what we do, run hard and fast after goals, fulfill multiple roles and juggle many responsibilities, all the while trying to become the best we can be.  This is great, even noble, but unfortunately comes at a cost.  This cost should be offset by deposits into your life to enable you to run the race with endurance.  
 
Here are 10 signs that burnout is on your horizon coupled with 10 solutions:
 
1.Extreme fatigue 
This is the single most important sign that is indicative of running low on fuel.  It involves daily physical and mental fatigue.  A few days off work doesn’t do it.  Even moderate exercise can leave you exhausted.  You find that everyday tasks require more effort than usual.
 
Solution:  Take immediate action to rest.  Ideally it should be between 6 weeks and 3 months.  Get entirely away from your work context if possible.  If not, delegate and rest where you can.  Do not make sudden, permanent life-changing decisions like resigning during this time.
 
2. Lack of control  
When you are in a job that leaves you with limited ability to influence decisions in order to positively change your situation, it could increase the experience of frustration and powerlessness  - that could lead to burnout e.g. a lack of control over resources, schedules or projects.
Do you have adequate freedom to manage your time? 
 
Solution:  Address this asap with management and/or rethink your schedule.  Fit enough clean space into your weekly, monthly and yearly schedule to bring refreshment and balance.
 
3. Frustration and cynicism  
When we are in a difficult situation for a long time, we tend to feel greatly frustrated.  We build up resentment against our situation and the people involved.  This may lead to cynicism and could even end with depression.  
Do you experience these and other negative feelings more often than not when it comes to your job?
 
Solution:  Determine the origin of the frustration.  What is keeping you from where you want to be?  What can you do as a first step to address this now?  Try to forgive others and rather spend your emotional energy on proactive problem-solving than reactive resenting.
 
4. Loss of motivation 
Being motivated takes, and gives, mental energy.  When exhaustion and frustration are present for a long time and your emotional resources are low, motivating yourself to keep going becomes hard. 
You might find that you increasingly battle to give what the work requires and only want to get away or fight it out.  As your motivation goes, your interest and effort reduce and along with it the success you experience.
 
Solution:  Try to motivate yourself to do only the next thing.  You handle this one day at a time.  As you apply your strategy to deal with the problems, you will systematically make progress and gain the motivation lost.
 
5. Frequent illnesses 
When your body has been in the fast lane for long, you tend to run on adrenaline.  In time your immune system suffers and you start to battle illnesses more frequently. 
Coupled with a lack of sleep, our bodies tire from fighting off the invaders. 
 
Solution:  Get professional help from a dietician to assist you with a healthy and balanced diet and supplements that will boost your immune system.  Set realistic goals that will be achievable with enough time to implement the changes.
 
6. Strained relationships with other people 
Depending on your preferred style of conflict management, when burned out you either engage in conflict more often than usual (and with a reduced finesse I might add!) or you withdraw and avoid confrontation altogether.  I used to withdraw from conflict at work but then become irritable and oversensitive at home.
 
Solution:
Take time out before talking, think the situation over and discuss with someone else you trust.  Then decide to address the urgent and important matters.  As you do, you will feel relief and a momentum of energy released.
 
7. Dismissing your own needs 
When you work hard and long to chase goals at work you might start a process of dismissing your own needs.  We justify it by saying things like ‘this is the price I have to pay’.  Or ‘I have to set an example of hard work for the team’, ‘I am new here, I cannot take time off now’ etc.
This becomes a habit and systematically erodes either your own or your family’s needs.
 
Solution: 
Identify your main motivation to overwork yourself.  Try to check whether you are ‘sacrificing the permanent on the altar of the temporal’.  You should rearrange your priorities and set boundaries regarding time spent at work and home.  Try to make one significant change at a time e.g. no working on Saturdays.
 
8. Your workload is too much 
I ignored this simple fact:  if you carry too heavy a load for too long, the load will be too heavy to carry.  You might even drop a few parcels of the load or get injured. 
Our capability at work may not be the problem, but our capacity certainly is.  There is always a limit to how much we can do.  Yet, we do not have to do it all alone.  Other people can help us carry the load.  
 
Solution:
Start to share the load, even if it only a small portion at a time.  Although delegating is an obvious solution, we are sometimes limited by other people’s lack of ability.  Therefore, systematically train your team to manage the tasks. 
Hire capable, skilled people.  This will initially be costly of time and resources, but eventually benefit you.  Outsource tasks not within your field of expertise and avoid being a ‘Jack of all trades, master of none’.
If you are an individual employee, specialise and give management feedback on your workload.  Try to declutter and implement processes to save time and effort.
 
9. Concentration and attention slips 
Researcher Deligkaris (2014) showed that burnout is associated with a decline in three main cognitive functions: executive functions (planning, decision making, evaluating, initiating, inhibition etc.), attention and memory.  Therefore, when you show symptoms of burnout such as exhaustion, it is a natural consequence to struggle with these brain functions.
 
Solution:
Researchers are looking at ‘brain rehabilitation activities’ to improve your ability to function.  Prioritise these cognitive activities.  Look at resources such at Dr Caroline Leaf’s book “Switch on your brain - the key to peak happiness, thinking and health” .
 
Physical exercise, specifically aerobic exercise, is a proven intervention for stress.   Recent studies show that it promises to improve cognitive and brain functioning.  Enriching your diet will also improve your health and some cognitive functions.  Some medications to enhance concentration might also improve your cognitive functions (please consult a medical professional e.g. psychiatrist).   

10. Spiritual dryness 
Ministry burnout is known for the symptom of ‘spiritual dryness’.  It happens when pastors neglect their own spiritual lives and give more than they receive.  Ministry contexts tend to contribute to this isolation and roles of relentlessly supporting and helping others.  
 
Solution:
Setting boundaries with your congregation is critical.  You need time alone, in places where you receive spiritual nourishment without being in the role of the giver.  Join a men’s group from a church in an adjacent town, go to ministry retreats, take regular leave, make friends outside of your congregation and attend conferences and outings where you are ministered to.
 
Recovering from burnout is possible, I for one am an example of this.  It is not a shame to be at a place of exhaustion and needing to ask for help.  Rather, it takes courage and is wise.  You have a definite purpose to fulfill, now is the season to receive so that you can continue to give for years to come.
 
For I will [fully] satisfy the weary soul, and I will replenish every languishing and sorrowful person.”
Jeremiah 31:25 The Amplified Bible
 
Matters of the Soul is an Article 18A non-profit organisation registered in South Africa.
If you want to contribute financially to enable our work and receive a tax deductible
certificate, please email mickey@mattersofthesoul.org or go to Donate
 
 

By Erich Schoeman (Clinical Psychologist)
Matters of the Soul (www.mattersofthesoul.org or www.sakevdsiel.org)
 
4 - 5 minute read
 
We have all been addicted to something or someone in our lives.  It does not have to be hard core drugs, it could be something as everyday as coffee or smart phones.  Here are 10 interesting thoughts about addiction:
 
1. Ancient definitionThe term addiction originates from the Latin word “addictus”, ranging in meanings from “to consecrate, deliver up, sacrifice” to “enslavement” and “attachment”. 
Today the definition of addiction is a physiological addiction to a habit-forming substance that is harmful.  It involves compulsive behaviour, tolerance and withdrawal.  It affects all areas of your life, psychological, social, physical and spiritual.
The ancient definition describes a condition of slavery and bondage, quite true to the actual effect of addiction, that of selling yourself to slavery.
 
2. Strict boundaries  
Studies in the USA show that Christians have less likelihood of becoming addicted to substances due to strong instructions in the Bible against the abuse of alcohol.  Strict external boundaries may therefore help our internalisation of them and this may improve our ability to control ourselves. 
 
3. Solution 
Substance abuse or any other addiction such as work or pornography is an attempted solution for a problem.  However, your solution usually becomes a problem and then you're left with multiple problems.  Doesn’t really make sense to do it then, does it?
 
4. Addicted to feelings 
Addiction is certainly a means of escape and avoidance of reality, but more so, it is a search for pleasurable feelings.  Even smartphone addiction is a pleasurable distraction.  We end up becoming mood addicts. 
Negating the responsibility of seeking pleasure in God’s way by delighting in His love and person, enjoying natural pleasures such as love, exercise and play, we substitute the really important things for fleeting, temporary excitement.  Strangely illogical of us..
 
5. Dependent beings 
We were created by God to be dependent on Him, finding real and fulfilling satisfaction in His love and care.  Yet we tend to pull in the opposite direction, fleeing the safety of a relationship that offers all that we really need.  Our sinful nature sets us up for living as orphans that decide our own right and wrong.  Great praise to God for giving us His Son!  In Him we stay connected even though we drift to and fro.
 
6. Focus 
Struggling with scattered attention and concentration can create many difficulties in life.  I think that addicts tend to experience this with short- and long-term goal-setting.    Impulse control goes haywire because long-term goals are not clear and therefore short-term ones are misplaced.
The best long-term goal is an eternal one.  Knowing that you will give an account to God for the life He gave you is sobering and keeps you from getting distracted by destructive short-term pleasures.  Living your life to bring joy to Jesus for loving you can energise you to use your opportunities to optimally serve Him.  It will deter you from persistently keeping an addiction going. 
It becomes a more weighty priority than temporal pleasure.  However, it does not mean you will not fail, it just gives you great reason to get back up again and keep going. 
 
All of this reminds me of Moses:
 
24 It was by faith that Moses, when he grew up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. 25 He chose to share the oppression of God’s people instead of enjoying the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26 He thought it was better to suffer for the sake of Christ than to own the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking ahead to his great reward.
Hebrews 11:24 - 26:
 
7. Satisfaction 
Stimulants provide 10 times more dopamine than natural pleasurable activities would.  This sets you up for failure.  Fake ‘heaven’ steals something precious and invisible from you...the deep, long lasting satisfaction in life, yourself and others. 
Working hard at building a loving marriage, strong career, striving to influence the world for the greater good and the deep wholeness of trust in relationships are gone.  Future success, self image and security are all betted on the lottery of fleeting pleasure. 
A bird’s song, child’s laughter, self-controlled fun amongst friends, the quiet stillness of nature, exquisite music and lots more all lose their ability to compete with fake heaven.  You export yourself to lala land where the real world tribulations and triumphs are exchanged for more intense but hollow pleasure and excruciating, far-reaching pain and loss.  This is especially true of substance abuse.
 
8. Victim or Guilty? 
Taking on a stance of a victim with reduced responsibility for your actions leaves you thinking that you are helpless to change.  It casts your will and choice aside.  On the contrary, condemning yourself to darkness is equally as bad.  Both prevent you from changing.    
Yet, owning your sin is what God asks.  He wants you to acknowledge your fault, but then blesses you with forgiveness.  Neither false innocence nor self-blame solves the dilemma. 
 
9. The self 
Kurt Goldstein, a psychiatrist, coined the word self-actualization a hundred or so years ago.  Maslow made it famous.  The aim is to become fully you, a developed and holistic individual.  Many people now strive for this ideal.  The pursuit of happiness.
Ironically, addiction leads to an ever increasing focus on the self and the immediate gratification of your needs.  Self-actualization is actually thrown overboard and self-centeredness embraced.
You then grow backwards, regress into childhood. 
 
10. Pause 
Recent research by R.J. Rose indicates that once you start abusing drugs and alcohol you run a very high risk of stunting your emotional and psychological development, especially when starting as a teenager.  In other words, you push pause on your IQ and EQ and that has an unfortunate knock-on effect for years. 
The way out of slavery is always liberation.  But to be really free, you need to be delivered by and then belong to the real Master.  Once you understand your position in God through His Son Jesus, you will find reason enough to live and fight for your and other people’s freedom.  Why not take the next step towards Jesus? 
 
But now, as God’s loving servants, you live in joyous freedom from the power of sin.  So consider the benefits you now enjoy - you are brought deeper into the experience of true holiness that ends with eternal life!
Romans 6:22 The Passion Translation
 
Matters of the Soul is an Article 18A non-profit organisation registered in South Africa.
If you want to contribute financially to enable our work and receive a tax deductible
certificate, please email mickey@mattersofthesoul.org or go to Donate

By Erich Schoeman (Clinical Psychologist)
Matters of the Soul (www.mattersofthesoul.org or www.sakevdsiel.org)

Following on from my previous article, 10 ways to defeat worry, here are 10 ways that the Lord breaks the worrying cycle in our lives.    

The gospel is about a person who is alive and well today.  Jesus Christ was resurrected from death and is presently at God the Father’s right hand in heaven.  We can talk with Him and share in His relationship with the Father, experience His love and the direct impact on our lives today through the Holy Spirit He sent to be with us.  

If you have put your trust in Jesus for the forgiveness of your sins (the fact that you have broken God’s laws and missed His design for you as your Creator) and eternal life (you will be where He is now after you die), then you have experienced the new life of the Holy Spirit.  You now know the Lord Jesus as your Saviour. 

Now put the rest of your life also in His hands.  You should learn to follow His thoughts and plans for your life and not your own.In order to follow Him, you must know Him and this happens through His Word (the Bible) and experience.  The Word teaches you the truth about who He is and what He wants.  Then you can put your trust in Him, do what He says and see Him at work through various life experiences. 

God plays a number of roles in your daily life.  This relieves you of trying to be all these things to yourself or solely relying on other people.  As you learn to trust God you will experience the blessed delight of living on earth as one of His children.  This will significantly reduce your reasons for worrying.   

Here are 10 roles that God fulfills in your life.  He is your:

1. Father  “So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” 
Romans 8:15 New Living Translation (NLT)
As your Father, He lovingly takes care of you and wisely corrects you for your benefit.  He is so trustworthy that you can trust Him as Jesus did, even unto death.

2. Friend     “I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me”
John 15:15 (NLT)
He considers you a friend and laid down His life for you.  Now wouldn’t He also care for you?  

3. Helper “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble”
Psalm 46:1 (NLT)
He is always available to help.  Ask anytime.  Make sure you seek what He wants for you, it’s better anyway. 

4. Provider and Leader “The LORD is my shepherd; I have everything I need“
Psalm 23:1 GNB 
When you are God’s child and you follow Him as your leader, you will find that He cares for every need of yours, emotional and physical.  He will look after you like a shepherd looks after the sheep.  The sheep have no stress.  They chill out. 

5.Strength “For the eyes of the LORD roam throughout the earth to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is fully devoted to Him”
2 Chronicles 16:9
When you depend on the Lord and follow Him wholeheartedly, you will find that He uses your crises to show His strength and then you can testify to His reality and power.
You rely on the strength that He works through you.  You might remain weak, but He will be strong (2 Corinthians 12:10)

6. God Almighty “When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to him and said, “I am God Almighty. Walk before Me and be blameless”.
Gen 17:1
God is all powerful and He can do anything.  You should trust Him unequivocally.  

7. Protector “The LORD is my protector; he is my strong fortress. My God is my protection, and with him I am safe. He protects me like a shield; he defends me and keeps me safe.”
Psalm 18:2 GNT
God promises to be our protector.  He shields us against many dangers of life.  .  However, sometimes unexpected things may happen to us that could make it seem as though He is not.  The fact that it happens does not mean He is not protecting.  It is rather that you are safe in the midst of the storm, walk on the water.  The threat is needed to effect a rescue and show of power.  God becomes visible through your situation.  

If God does not rescue and protect us in the way that we thought He would and the outcomes are less than desirable, we have the reassurance that He is in control of our lives.  He allows certain situations and whatever the outcome, masterfully works them to our good and His glory (Rom 8:28).  He uses these to strengthen our faith (Jam 1), make us live out more of our true identity, the Lord Jesus (Rom 8:29) and bring glory to His Name.  
We have the comfort that our lives are genuinely in His hands (Ps 31:15) and He is always with us (Heb 13:5-6).  When you are exposed to bad things, ask Him what you want to happen, but wait to see how He works these out for His glory.  Be available and trusting.  If we then worry, it means we’ve forgotten that He is God, loves us and will protect us.  

8. Peace “For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace”.
Isaiah 9:6
The fact that the Lord Jesus is in your life gives you peace with God, peace in life’s challenges, peace about your eternal destiny, peace because He, the one who loves you, is intimately with you.

9. Faithful God “Then I saw heaven standing open, and there before me was a white horse. And its rider is called Faithful and True. With righteousness He judges and wages war”.
Rev 19:11
Faithfulness is part of who God is.  If He promises you something, He will do it.  Make sure you keep on trusting and do not give up when it seems that what you wanted didn’t happen.  Follow God’s plan.  

10. Comforter “Blessed [gratefully praised and adored] be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts and encourages us in every trouble so that we will be able to comfort and encourage those who are in any kind of trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God”.
2 Cor 1:3-4 AMP
         He wants to comfort us in trouble and enable us to then comfort others.  

Letting go of worry is a daily process of replacing worrying thoughts with the truth of who God really is and what that means in your life.  May the Lord bless you as you trust in His guidance to help you let go of worry and let God take over.

Matters of the Soul is an Article 18A non-profit organisation registered in South Africa.  If you want to contribute financially to enable our work and receive a tax deductible certificate, please email erich@mattersofthesoul.org or go to Donate

By Erich Schoeman (Clinical Psychologist)

To be worried about life is very common.  These days most of us face additional reasons to give in to worry as we are faced with a global health crisis that has serious implications on everyday life.  

Some people’s financial situations have now escalated to panic level.  The challenges are very real and our concerns relevant.  As Christians we are faced with the same giants as the rest of the world.  How do we fight them and not allow ourselves to be swamped by worry and fear about our safety and security?  

Here are 10 practical ways to defeat worry:
1. Distinguish between concern and worry: it is normal to have everyday concerns about paying bills and getting all the work done.  It usually leads to actions to alleviate them.  However, it becomes problematic when the healthy concern turns into habitual worrying that is difficult to disengage from and saps your mental energy. ​​

2. Identify what you are worried about - write a list of all your worries and add why you are worried.  This lessens the fogginess and clarifies exactly what the worries are about.

3. Identify your feelings:  when we worry, we tend to feel apprehension, anxiety, frustration, irritation and fear.  Feelings of worry and fear can escalate panic.  This is because the feelings of fear make the worries seem more realistic.  Giving these feelings a name will already bring some control and help you distinguish between your feelings and the situation.  

4. Identify your thoughts and beliefs: feelings are mostly fueled by thoughts that we believe to be true about our situations.  Fear and worry are basically thought patterns.  You need to identify your unhelpful thoughts.  They typically sound like:
“What if I cannot pay the bills?” - catastrophizing - creating additional stressors by assuming negative outcomes and disasters will happen
“I won’t be able to support my family” - jumping to conclusions - playing the worry out to an assumed negative end
“The boss said they are going to take my leave to compensate for my absence!” - mental filtering - seeing only one negative aspect of a situation
“O no! How are we going to cope with / do …?!” - assuming there is nothing that can be done about the problem and expecting being overwhelmed
“My family will be so disappointed in me” - assuming negative reactions without a resolve, thus feeling afraid 
“I cannot do this, I don’t know what we are going to do..”  assuming a helpless position and limiting your own ability to handle the crisis.  This leads to passivity and feelings of being overwhelmed
“I should not have done this/that” - - personalisation - blaming yourself (or someone else) when something goes wrong without considering all variables
“I cannot lose my job” - rigidly framing the situation to only one possible outcome, therefore limiting solutions and heightening anxiety
“There is no way out of this..” - blocking possible solutions and creating panic
“This is really bad!” - magnifying the negative aspects and minimising the positives, thus giving a distorted picture and increasing a sense of being overwhelmed.

5. Challenge the thoughts:  what we believe to be true about our situations mostly go unchecked.  We can act as detectives in examining our thoughts and checking whether they are founded on evidence and mostly, if they are aligned with the truth, the Word of God.   Ask questions to evaluate the thoughts:

• Can I solve the problem without worrying about it?
• Does the worrying benefit me to prevent further problems or garner solutions?
• Do I have any evidence that this is true?
• Have I considered all other options available?
• If I asked the Lord Jesus what He thinks about my problem, what would He say?
• What would I advise a friend with a similar worry?
• Am I making any assumptions about the possible outcome?
• Have I considered a positive outcome?
• Have I asked the Lord for help and waited for an answer? 

    Consider some reframes:
 “What if I cannot pay the bills?” - ‘What if’’ questions rarely work.  I am not alone in this, the Lord is with me and He knows my needs.  I will ask Him for support and follow His guidance.  If I end up being unable to pay my bills, I will handle the situation with the agencies involved.  My life will continue and there will be other opportunities to prosper.
“I won’t be able to support my family” - This situation might lead me to not being able to support my family, but the worst case scenario is unlikely.  Chances are that we will get through this, but we might have to make temporary sacrifices. 
“O no! How are we going to cope with / do …?!” - I might not know now how things will work out, but the Lord does.  With His wisdom I will see what I am able to do and trust Him with the rest.  For every challenge there is always some answer, especially with the Lord present.
“My family will be so disappointed in me” - If my family has reason to be disappointed in me, I will endeavor to repair the relationships.  Otherwise it is not necessarily a given that they will blame me for things outside of my control.  If they do, I will only take responsibility for my share. 
“I cannot do this, I don’t know what we are going to do..” - I might not be able to do this, but God surely has an answer.  I will trust Him all the way through until the end.  I will try to calm down, pray and look at all the possible solutions.  
“I cannot lose my job” - I might not want to lose my current job, but if I do, there might be other better options available that I am not currently aware of.  The Lord promises to work all things out for my good (Rom 8:28) and I can entrust this situation to Him too. 
“There is no way out of this..” - The situation seems very tough, but this is an ideal situation to see God working for His glory and my good.  Also, I cannot say for certain that there is no way out since I have definitely not tried all options.  
“It is either this way or there is no other way..” - There will be many possible solutions and I need to open my mind to consider all.  God sometimes leads in ways that do not seem like a solution e.g. walking on water.  I will trust His judgement and be open to try creative solutions.  
“This is really bad!” - I should be careful to see all the factors in this situation, both positive and negative.  I can ask the Holy Spirit and other believers to help me in my assessment of the situation.  

6. Focus - Adjust your lens:  ask yourself whether you are using the Word of God as your starting point for interpreting the events in the world and your own life?  Or are you simply looking at circumstances as if there is no God or He is distant and aloof?  As Christians we have the one and only loving God Almighty  on our side.  That gives us the advantage.  We are never alone and have His faithfulness and tender care to support us.  Find His promises of provision and protection in the Bible and prayerfully meditate on them.
 
7. Determine what you can do: sometimes we get so caught up with what we cannot do that we forget to focus on what we are able to do to solve a problem.  Draw up a list of possible plans of action.  Seek the Lord’s wisdom and follow His guidance however strange His instructions might seem.

8. Trust God to do what you cannot do:  For with God nothing will be impossible (Luk 1:37).  We all know this verse, but we tend to limit Him to our capabilities.  Determine to focus your attention on the faithfulness of God, follow Him fully and He will provide.  Let God decide how He wants to solve the problem.  Use the situation to testify to His power and faithfulness.

9. Turn complaints into requests:  Worrying leads to complaining and this works on everyone's nervesto perpetuate the worrying cycle.  When you find yourself blabbering fears in a victim kind of way, immediately stop in your tracks and choose to turn that complaint into a prayer request.  Philipians 4:6 teaches us to turn our anxiety into specific requests from God, adding thanksgiving and allowing the peace of Jesus Christ to guard our minds.  God’s peace is the reassurance that He is right there with you.  It does not have to make sense.  You trust Him based on His character and not your circumstances.

10. Distract your mind and relax your body:  We also need positive distractions to break the pattern of worrying.  Try playing a boardgame, exercising, reading a novel, doing art, creative writing, blessing a less fortunate person or serving other people.  These all allow you to direct your efforts to other activities that enhance your own and other people’s lives.  

​Breaking the worrying habit can be difficult at first, but with regular effort you will be amazed at how much more peaceful and productive your thought life can become.  Trust the Holy Spirit to guide you into all the truth as you embark on this journey with your faithful Lord by your side.

Matters of the Soul is an Article 18A non-profit organisation registered in South Africa.  If you want to contribute financially to enable our work and receive a tax deductible certificate, please email erich@mattersofthesoul.org or go to Donate

Couples relationships are all about needs.  Needs for love, affection, sex, help with the kids, encouragement, listening etc.  Needs not met, half met or never met at all lead to all kinds of dilemmas. One of the reasons we marry is because we admire something in the other person that we miss in ourselves.  We feel loved and cared for and hope it will stay that way.  
But our careers develop, family grows and our partner’s needs become more difficult to meet.  On top of our spouse’s needs we have demands from work, children, family and life in general. Sometimes these just take their toll and the relationship with our spouse suffers until we can ‘get through this time’.  This is however a recipe for marital unhappiness and if it lasts too long, extra-marital affairs or divorce ensues.
Therefore, as a couple it is very important that you talk about what you need from each other.  Your spouse will benefit from you telling them what you need, when and even why.  So let’s look at 10 steps to talking to your spouse about your needs:

1. Who do I need?
Ask yourself whether you are overly dependent on your spouse to meet your emotional needs.  Your spouse cannot be the only person to affirm you. You were designed to be dependent on God.  He is the Source of your love, affirmation, worth, encouragement and strength. That’s why Jesus mentions that you cannot do anything without Him (John 15:5).  Your partner will be there for you occasionally, but God will be there constantly (Heb 13:5).  

2. What do I need?
It is very important that you pin down what you need from your partner.  You will have various needs at different times. Identify what is important for you at this time e.g.  Do I need my partner to help bathe the children? Or do you need 30 minutes of alone time to recharge?    

3. Pick a time
Timing is important.  Try not to discuss your need for sex when the children are running havoc through the kitchen at 18:30 and she’s tired and overwhelmed.  Be proactive, start earlier the day! Or call your partner aside and ask for a few moments.  

4. What does my partner need?
If you ask your partner what they need from you it shows you care and are not just interested in your own welfare.  Ask them directly what you could do to make them feel loved and do those things you already know.

5. Be specific
Saying ‘I need you to love me’ is like saying to the waiter at a restaurant ‘I want food’.  Being specific helps. You could say something like ‘I have a need to discuss something that’s been bothering me a while.  Would you please give me the benefit of listening to me and then give me your thoughts on the matter?’  

6. Ask, don’t tell
Some people fall into the habit of demanding, instructing, blaming or nagging.  These will just frustrate your partner and create emotional distance between you.  Rather ask or make a kind request.  

7. Win-win
Ideally we want to give ourselves to our partners unconditionally and serve them freely as the Lord wants.  To achieve this in the long run, we should work towards win-win situations to fulfill both partner’s needs. If both focus on loving the other person through fulfilling their needs and are willing to meet each other halfway, both would win marital satisfaction.

8. Be the hero
Sometimes you will be the ‘hero’ in the relationship and give in fully.  You will meet your partner’s needs at your expense. This will make them feel loved and invest in the long term strength of the relationship.  

9. Make a date or arrangement
Once you have discussed your needs, make dates or appointments to fulfill them.  You could arrange specific times or routines e.g. we will have sex tonight at 21:00.  Or I will help to bathe the children on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

10. Regularly check in
Make it a habit to check in with each other daily.  This ensures that you stay up to date with each other and needs are not left unmet for long.  It also leads you to feel closer to one another. E.g. early morning or right after work, take 10 minutes and ask each other “What are your needs for tonight or the weekend?”.

In following these steps with a humble and loving attitude, you will grow closer and discover new things together.  Drawing from the Lord for your wisdom and strength, you will learn to love each other in new ways. 
By Erich Schoeman (Clinical Psychologist), Matters of the Soul (mattersofthesoul.org)

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Mark 10:6 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’[a] 7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,[b] 8 and the two will become one flesh.’[c] So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

As a happily married woman I usually scan over the verses in the Bible that talk about divorce. It’s not applicable to me, I’m not divorced or separated - not even by a long shot! This was the one commandment I felt pretty good about keeping. This is also why it came as a surprise when the Lord gave me Mark 10. I didn’t need it, right? Oh, was I about to eat a huge piece of humble pie!

I was particularly drawn to the ‘they are no longer two’ part. Am I really one with my husband? What does that even mean? The Bible doesn’t say: They will be one flesh only during sex so what does ‘flesh’ implicate? I spent some time pondering this idea and came to the conclusion that one flesh means that we are one in every aspect of being human. This means physically, emotionally and intellectually. God has already bound our spirits together by His power, our flesh now need to catch up.

If we are supposed to be one, then isn’t anything that divides us physically, emotionally or intellectually seen as causing a separation of that ‘oneness’? This is where the penny dropped for me. Every time I self-righteously browsed past the separation parts of the Bible, the Lord was trying to tell me something. He was speaking to me, quite harshly actually, to get off of my little holy high horse, because I was guilty!

Understand me when I tell you this. The enemy knows that we know that separating what God has joined together is a sin, so he made it less obvious. If you are spending more (of your available) time on your phone, on Facebook, on your kids, on the house etc. than with your spouse you are being separated from (more bluntly put: cheating) your spouse. If technology is withholding you from talking about your day with a spouse that loves you, you are separated. If your spouse gets a worn out and tired partner at the end of the day, there is no intimacy. If you are sleeping in separate bedrooms because your partner snores, you have some work to do because that is emotional and intimate separation! Anything that causes a separation between you and your spouse on a physical, emotional or intellectual level is not healthy and is jeopardizing that ‘oneness’ that God has created a marriage to have. The order of God says that God is placed first and then your husband or wife, not your kids, not your job, not your friends. This might be offensive to some, but I know this to be true.

Thankfully, when we see the enemy’s strategy we can get past it. How? Get a strategy of your own. Plan your day to make sure you and your spouse have some quality time at some point. Make an appointment, something set, to make sure the enemy gets no footing in your marriage. Put away your phone when you get into bed at night, rather spend that time with your spouse talking or wherever that leads you.. notch notch wink wink.

​And as an extra boost in confidence note that the Lord also says ‘become one’, meaning that He knows this will be a process of growing together towards being one. He has grace for us in this process and He will cover us and carry us while we figure this marriage-thing out. We are not alone!

1 Peter 2: 4-7 4 Come to Him [then, to that] Living Stone which men [a]tried and threw away, but which is chosen [and] precious in God’s sight. 5 [Come] and, like living stones, be yourselves built [into] a spiritual house, for a holy (dedicated, consecrated) priesthood, to offer up [those] spiritual sacrifices [that are] acceptable and pleasing to God through Jesus Christ. 6 For thus it stands in Scripture: Behold, I am laying in Zion a chosen ([b]honored), precious chief Cornerstone, and he who believes in Him [who adheres to, trusts in, and relies on Him] shall never be [c]disappointed or put to shame. 7 To you then who believe (who adhere to, trust in, and rely on Him) is the preciousness; but for those who disbelieve [it is true], The [very] Stone which the builders rejected has become the main Cornerstone,

In the passage above Peter tells us how we, as believers in Jesus Christ, will be rejected by the world for following Him, but that we will be precious in the sight of God. We will become living stones in His building.

Now you may say that this has nothing to do with marriage but the Lord used this very passage to teach me the whole reason for marriage. Being the over thinker that I am, and working in counselling, my mind went straight to a problem I saw in this beautiful promise the Lord gives us: When we receive rejection from those around us, how will we be able to really grasp this promise and hold on to this?

Let me explain. From psychology we know that our self-worth and perceptions are influenced by what we receive from those around us. You know, like that day you loved your new look and someone looked at you in a weird way? You immediately started to wonder if you were indeed rocking it the way you thought.

So, if people reject you, how on earth are you supposed to believe that the Almighty God Himself sees you as precious?

You might say, because the Bible says so. That is true but, while I admire your approach, I often feel like I need more confirmation.

​I really struggle with making the Lord's promises my own. And so while I was sitting in my room struggling with the Lord He gave me one sentence: That is what your spouse is for.

What?? It suddenly became clear to me why I needed my spouse so desperately (and vice versa). You see, the Lord knows that we are human and that we struggle to really stand on His promises, so He gave us a little bit of those promises on earth in the form of our husbands.

The world rejects me, but I am a cornerstone in my husband's life. The world tells me I'm not good enough, he tells: me you are more than enough. The world tells me you don't have the right look; he tells me: you are perfect.

It's a miniature version, if you will, of God's relationship with His children. In the same way a wife submits to her husband, we submit to the Lord, and in the same way a husband honors his wife, God honors us. This was something that I knew but I never thought about applying it in this way.

I am so excited about this idea! And while I know that the reality of our world is one of unhappy marriages, this gives me hope. Our spouses are important. Our roles in our marriages are important. We need to be their cornerstones who keep them upright on our knees. Marriages matter and that is why we need to keep fighting for them every day.

​Monique Steenkamp