By Erich Schoeman (Clinical Psychologist; Trainer & Speaker)
Matters of the Soul (www.mattersofthesoul.org or www.sakevdsiel.org)
Christian Psychology Ministry
God wants to bless us with families that reflect Him in all ways. Following His will typically leads to our families becoming more godly and, consequently, happier. However, it is not always clear what a godly and happy family looks like. In this article, I will compare the characteristics of functional versus dysfunctional families. This will give you an idea of where you need to focus prayerfully on growth.
Although our families will not be perfect and will consist of broken people, they can develop to be functional and do not have to remain stagnantly dysfunctional. Most families tend to display characteristics of both categories, each with their own unique strengths and weaknesses, but they usually lean towards one more than the other.
A healthy family life is not only vital for our spiritual and mental growth but also for the vitality of the greater family of God, the body of Christ. Therefore, as His children, we should prioritise learning the ways He wants us to function in our families to best reflect His love and character.
Here is a comparison between the two types of family dynamics:
Functional vs Dysfunctional families characteristics | |
Functional | Dysfunctional |
Healthy individuals – Individual members take ownership of their need for healing from past wounds and dysfunctional ways of coping and dealing with relationships, stress, and the demands of life. | Hurting individuals – Individual members neglect personal growth, dismiss the need for healing from past wounds, and engage in dysfunctional ways of coping. They resist changing themselves, deny their own dysfunction, justify themselves, and blame others for their problems. |
Effective communication – Communication is open, honest, understanding, and respectful. Family members listen to each other, express their feelings, and work through conflicts constructively. | Ineffective communication – Members blame and judge, criticise, bully, and/or manipulate each other. Individual emotions and needs are suppressed or vented without appropriate emotional control (anger outbursts, screaming). Members may not express themselves authentically. No listening to feelings. |
Clear boundaries – These boundaries define roles, responsibilities, and expectations. They help maintain healthy interactions and prevent emotional enmeshment. | Unhelpful boundaries – Either enmeshed (individuals are not free to be themselves with appropriate distance between people), too loose (vaguely defined boundaries and roles) or overly rigid and strict boundaries (controlling rules without discretion and appropriate adjustment to different circumstances) |
Pro-active – Each member takes ownership of their own personal well-being, needs, feelings and actions towards others (internal locus of control) | Reactive – Members depend too much on one another for their wellness, blame feelings and actions on others, and expect others to make them happy (external locus of control, overdependence). Or, members live their lives too independently of the others, leading to loneliness, neglect, and isolation. |
Emotional Support – Functional families provide emotional support during challenging times. They validate each other’s feelings and offer encouragement. Interest in each other’s physical and emotional needs and appropriate actions to meet those needs lead to a sense of closeness (cohesion) and unity. | Emotional neglect or enmeshment: There is limited interest in each other’s lives and needs, accompanied by either a lack of support or overly involved rescuing or control. This leads to feelings of frustration, distance, or suffocation, ultimately resulting in disunity. |
Mutual love and respect – Members genuinely care for each other. Love and respect are foundational, creating a positive atmosphere where everyone feels valued and appreciated. | Resentment and criticism: Members neglect one another and harbour resentment, creating a tense atmosphere marked by a lack of compliments, unbalanced blame, frequent arguments, and emotional instability. |
Flexibility: Rules and roles are adaptable. As family members grow and change, the family adjusts its dynamics accordingly. Parents and children maintain clearly distinct roles. | Rigidity: Rules and roles are inflexible, failing to adapt to new circumstances or changes, and are enforced with severe consequences that hinder growth, freedom of choice, and trust.
Parents rely too heavily on children for support, or children are left to lead themselves. |
Conflict resolution – Conflict is normal, and functional families handle it well. They allow disagreements without resorting to abuse or harmful behaviours. | Conflict escalation: Conflict is uncontrolled and perpetual, escalating quickly or avoided until it results in sudden outbursts of abusive and harmful behaviour. Children are often used as pawns in parental conflicts. |
Stable routines – Functional families try to follow consistent routines. Whether it’s bedtime rituals, family traditions, or regular family devotions, routines provide stability and predictability. Milestones are celebrated, e.g. birthdays | Instability: Daily routines and rituals are either missing, disorganised, or enforced too rigidly, compromising peaceful relationships. This leads to uncertainty, distance, or frustration. Milestones are either neglected or superficially celebrated, often exaggerated to compensate for dysfunction. |
Helpful humour – Laughing together and enjoying each other’s company, joking about weaknesses with a kind and affirming tone, leading to closeness and acceptance. | Hurting humour – Laughing at others, not with them. Using sarcasm in a humoristic way to communicate grievances or get back at each other, leading to humiliation and anger. |
Not perfect, but a unit – Mistakes, arguments and hiccups don’t lead to abuse, but closeness and growth. | Not perfect, but hurtful – Mistakes, arguments and hiccups dislodge the family, leading to abuse and escalation. |
Discipline with care – Clear expectations with reasonable consequences applied in the spirit of patient training and guidance. | Discipline with punishment – Vague or too high expectations with unreasonable and harsh consequences applied in anger with punishment, rejection, and shame. |
Authoritative leadership – A parent leads the family, taking into account each person’s views and needs in decision-making. Leading by example, serving and doing the heavy lifting, and using each person’s gifts in appropriate roles. | Authoritarian leadership: One person dominates the family, imposing their views and needs in decision-making, ignoring others and coercing or controlling them to comply with their demands. |
Self-control – Members manage themselves responsibly and think about how their actions will affect others, e.g. with substances like alcohol. | Impulsiveness – Members act on desires without considering the consequences on family members, e.g. severe overspending, substance abuse, etc. |
Spirit led – Members, especially parents, are led by the Holy Spirit. They use the Bible as their guide in all their choices and choose to live lives motivated by selfless love and service. | Self-led – Members, especially parents, are led by their own carnal desires and beliefs in making decisions, motivated mostly by their own needs and subjective moral compass. |
After reading this comparison, it is normal to identify several areas that need growth. This realisation is healthy and opens you up to making choices that could help your family thrive. Thankfully, we can turn to the Lord and ask for His grace. It is comforting to know that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. The Lord wants to help us through the Holy Spirit and the Word.
It is reassuring to keep in mind that growth is sometimes slow, one area at a time. However, it is worth it, and it comes with tremendous benefits!
If your family is in need of help, you could consider reaching out for Christian or pastoral counselling. It is my prayer that the Lord will bless you as you rely on Him to guide you into functioning in healthier, Biblical ways. In the end, His will is always the best route to take.