By Erich Schoeman (Clinical Psychologist; Trainer & Speaker)
Matters of the Soul (www.mattersofthesoul.org or www.sakevdsiel.org)
12 minute read
Many of us take pride in doing things well and have an aversion to making mistakes or falling short. We want things to be done perfectly and often feel uncomfortable leaving tasks incomplete. For some, the desire to excel comes from a drive to be the best at what they do. For others, it stems from a commitment to being professional, organised, and well-prepared. While these high standards can be admirable, the relentless pursuit of perfection often comes at a significant cost to our well-being and relationships.
Even if we don’t see ourselves as perfectionists, most of us experience perfectionistic tendencies at some point in our lives. We need not be perfectionistic in all areas of our lives to struggle with this. It may only be one or two areas such as work and weight.
Learning to find balance is essential for fostering personal growth, improving self-esteem, and living a more fulfilling life.
In this article, we’ll explore ten important insights about perfectionism and discover practical ways to move toward a healthier, more balanced perspective.
1. What is perfectionism?
Perfectionism is the relentless drive to meet impossibly high standards in everything we do. It involves placing immense pressure on ourselves to avoid mistakes and achieve flawlessness, often at the expense of our well-being and relationships. This constant pursuit of perfection can become exhausting and comes with significant personal costs.
Perfectionism also profoundly affects how we view ourselves. Our self-worth often becomes tied to whether we can meet the unrealistic expectations we set. To an outsider, these standards may seem excessive or impractical, but for perfectionists, they feel necessary. Beneath this drive often lie deep-seated fears—fear of making mistakes, falling short, or not being “good enough.”
Helpful Reframe:
Instead of chasing perfection, shift your focus toward making progress. Life is a journey of growth, not a race to flawless achievement. Start by setting realistic expectations and showing empathy toward yourself.
For example, imagine you are learning to play the piano at a Grade Two level. Should you expect to instantly master Grade Three pieces? Of course not! Mastery is a gradual process. By recognising that you are still learning, you allow yourself the time and space to improve without undue pressure. Similarly, as you advance, you’ll find that earlier challenges become easier. Adopting this mindset can replace unrealistic pressure with a healthier, more encouraging approach to growth.
2. What is Christian perfectionism?
From a biblical standpoint, perfectionism may stem from a misunderstanding of God’s expectations and grace. When Jesus calls us to “be perfect, as your Heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48), Christian perfectionists see this as the standard they must live up to in order to gain God’s love and approval. The perfectionist might add, “After all, Jesus said it clearly! This means we must be perfect! I should not be making mistakes!”. This interpretation causes tremendous anxiety, fear, frustration and disappointment. Eventually, the person loses confidence and is riddled with guilt and condemnation.
Helpful reframe:
Yet, this perfection refers to spiritual maturity and completeness in love, not flawlessness in deeds. God’s grace in Christ has given us His righteousness and made us holy as a free gift apart from works (Eph 2:8-9). Perfectionists will benefit from learning to trust God’s unconditional love for them. After all, Romans 5:8-10 (NLT) says:
But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation.
God did not expect us to be sinless by our own efforts prior to giving us his Son. It is impossible! He had to make us sinless through Christ first, then ask us to live holy lives. This enables us to live a life of progressive sanctification because we are already sanctified in Him!
3. Why are people perfectionists?
Some people have a temperament, an innate way of thinking, feeling and acting, that leans toward a desire for details and a dislike for mistakes. Studies have shown that people who avoid seeking out novelty, who are highly dependent on rewards from others, and who persist towards goals despite frustration and fatigue, are more likely to develop perfectionism. The good news is that having this sort of temperament does not mean that your perfectionism cannot be changed.
Others learned it during childhood. Some children are punished and criticised (instead of taught and coached) for making mistakes that aren’t actually mistakes e.g. being punished for making a mess when playing could lead you to believe that you ‘should never make any mistakes’ or that “making mistakes is bad”.
Other children learn it more indirectly by the modelling of others. For example, hearing how a mother puts unrelenting pressure on herself through criticising her weight when she is only a few kilograms overweight. This could lead to believing ‘my weight is never good enough’.
Helpful reframe:
People are able to change and learn new ways of thinking and doing. This is seen through how people learn new skills, languages and jobs every day. All these require new ways of thinking and doing.
Perfectionistic beliefs can be challenged and reframed. Learning this new styles of conversation with yourself about life will take time, but persistence and repetition will prevail.
4. Why is perfectionism bad?
It is a healthy and good idea to have goals and high standards. Some goals take a lot of work and time, but when most of your goals are either unachievable or can only come at great cost to yourself and others, it could lead to problems. Dilemmas like procrastination, fear of failure, anxiety and frustration could follow.
Perfectionism can manifest in constant self-criticism, procrastination due to fear of failure, difficulty accepting praise or grace and a sense of worth tied to performance.
In the case of losing weight, a person might judge their body harshly and see minor flaws as major weaknesses. Diets become rigid and the ideal look is never achieved. Depression and sadness follow as an ongoing cylce of defeat is experienced.
Perfectionists tend to believe that anything less than perfect is unacceptable. The standard is kept despite all the negative consequences it creates. In essence, it’s like having an inner critic that never lets you relax and always demands that you do better, even when you’ve already done your best.
Helpful reframe:
Even though we’ve had heaps of negative consequences from the perfectionism, learning to change it will have heaps of benefits too! The liberty and relief experienced by applying balanced thinking is wonderful. One step at a time, one day at a time.
5. If not perfectionism, then what?
There is a huge difference between perfectionism and excellence. One is realistically achievable and the other not. Striving for excellence is healthy and reflects God’s character, but perfectionism stems from insecurity and even pride.
Excellence is what we strive for and is the utmost of what is achievable. However, it can become an unrealistic standard in itself too, especially when you do not allow natural times of mistakes or underperforming. For example, Roger Federer once answered a question from a reporter on why he lost the fourth set (but went on to win the match) as he clearly wasn’t playing at his usual level then. He answered by saying that one cannot always play at your best. You just have to keep on playing and eventually you will play at your usual level again.
This perspective removes the unreasonable pressure to always perform at your best and allows for a natural process of making mistakes and learning from them. This obviously does not mean that you will be laidback and not try, but you do not place unrealistic expectations on yourself and cause anxiety that leads to a lack of concentration and many more unnecessary mistakes.
Helpful reframe:
God’s standard is grace, not perfection. Romans 3:23 reminds us that all have sinned and fall short of God’s glory, but His grace offers forgiveness and acceptance through Christ.
Additionally, moving from unrealistic expectations to more realistic and reachable ones, brings self-confidence and hope. When we start to question the inner critic and weighing the thoughts against hard evidence, we start to see the world in a different light.
Excellence is about trying to do the best you are capable of given the circumstances. This gives you the freedom to make mistakes as you engage in the process of learning valuable lessons. These lessons give you sought after experience and the experience leads to skilled expertise and even wisdom.
God asks us to do everything as though we do it for Him. This guides us to try our best, covered by unconditional acceptance that accommodates our failures. God promises to make those failures work towards our good and His glory.
6. Perfectionism can be rooted in fear
Often, perfectionism stems from a fear of rejection, judgment, or failure. People may believe their worth is based on their achievements, whether this is how they look, how much money they earn, what job they do and many other things.
Fear of not meeting high standards can cause perfectionists to delay starting or finishing tasks. We might avoid any situation we deem to be risky, causing us to miss out and misconstrue people’s reactions as criticism, confirming the underlying false belief about our worth.
Fear threatens bad outcomes that are unrealistic, makes mountains out of molehills and criticises the smokes out of any mistake you make. It outright lies to you. Yet, unfortunately we tend to get stuck in the feelings of worthlessness and failure. These, incorrectly so, “confirm” that we are indeed not good enough and keep us bound in a destructive thought cycle. Recognise that growth and progress, not perfection, reflect God’s work in your life (Philippians 1:6). Celebrate small steps and learn from mistakes rather than fearing them.
Helpful reframe:
Fear is a natural reaction to many a challenge. It is your brain trying to prevent bad outcomes and protect you. Fear of a lion chasing you whilst in the Kruger Park is very real if you are meandering around outside the safe zones. Yet, fear is not always rational and based on truth.
Learning to test fears based on their evidence is empowering for example, if you are afraid of making mistakes and frequently check your work six times over, you could try checking it only once. You will feel a rush of anxiety and doubting thoughts. For a while, try to allow these to surface without giving in. The anxiety will start to fade and this will teach your mind that it is okay to make mistakes. Afterwards you can check if the worst case scenario actually happened. Most probably, no crisis will unfold and you will learn it is safe without frequent checking.
7. It harms relationships
Perfectionists can impose unrealistic expectations on others, leading to frustration, tension, and strained relationships. Criticising others with the same inner voice you hear, can lead them to feel defeated and not good enough too.
Although mostly not intended, the perfectionist only offer conditional and not unconditional acceptance. Black and white thinking does not allow for any mistakes or gray areas and therefore a thing is either right or wrong. People consequently receive harsh judgements for mistakes and limited grace to progress (although the perfectionist does not see it as harsh, but justified). This causes people to want to avoid this person.
Helpful reframe:
Rupturing relationships through regular criticism can be costly. Yet, learning to repair those relationships will balance the pain with comfort. Try new ways of interacting with others like learning the “feedback wrap” or “sandwich” methods of giving feedback. Remember that compliments are also important. Try catching others doing something good (instead of bad!). Doing these will start to change how you impact others and they will draw closer to you in trust.
8. Burnout
The relentless pursuit of perfection can exhaust emotional and physical resources, leading to burnout. Working long hours, dieting extensively, over-exercising and more pushes you beyond your reasonable limits. Achieving a balance between performance and recovery is difficult for the perfectionist since the performance is never done. Thus, recovery is never restful.
Perfectionists rest by doing stuff. Always uneasy, their minds struggle to enter the restful state of true “R&R”. Rest is contaminated by guilt over things undone, frustration about ‘waisting time’ and a sense of unaccomplishment due to ‘resting before the work is done’. Unable to switch off, they run the hamster wheel until they cannot any longer.
Helpful reframe:
Resting can be learned too. Try to set firm boundaries for yourself between your work and home situations. Diarise your fun and consciously give yourself permission to finish your work at the later scheduled time and drop the responsibility. Even if all is not perfect yet, it will eventually be done. Finish only the most important and urgent tasks, and protect your R&R time. Fill it with activities you know you truly enjoy.
9. Stealing the joy
Perfectionism can reduce your joy in life. Chronically focusing on flaws and mistakes can rob people of the ability to celebrate successes and enjoy life.
Helpful reframe:
Life is hard enough already. Adding to the pain does not make it better. Rather, try to seek a balance between work and play, striving and being. Knowing you are fallible places you at a vulnerable position, but this is where God’s grace and goodness flourishes. Jesus meets you there and loves you no matter what you have done. Why not allow yourself to enjoy life as a journey of growth, rather than a race to absolute daily perfection?
Try meditating on 2 Corinthians 12:9: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Your worth is secure in God, not in your achievements or behaviour. Try acknowledging where you have gone right.
10. Negative self-talk
Having extreme expectations of yourself, ones that make you feel pressured and chronically failing, fuels negative self-talk. Perfectionism often creates an inner dialogue of harsh self-criticism and unrealistic comparisons with others. Seeing how others surpass you becomes a regular affair, casting you into the slippery pit of never ending attempts at perfection. Self talk is mostly autonomic and unnoticed, so it is easy to mistake this voice for the truth.
Helpful reframe:
The brutal inner critic has a past. Locating it’s point of origin is valuable to start challenging the nasty voice. Yet, it is only a voice and a pain might I add! Why would you allow yourself to be spoken to like this? If God, the creator of the universe, accepted you in Christ, who is this voice to belittle, overly criticise and condemn you? Not even the devil has any accusations he may offer.
Romanss 8: 33 “Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself.” So how about banishing the critic everytime it shows up? Start firing at it with counter-questions, Biblical truths and realtistic alternatives until your mind starts to believe you! The journey might take time and effort, but it is definitely worth it!
Try practicing positive affirmations of yourself. Why not give yourself credit for everything you do? Give God the praise for His faithfulness and grace, and yourself the credit for trying and pitching up. How about acknowledging your successes too, even if they are small?
Final Thoughts
Perfectionism can feel like an impossible burden, but God invites us to lay that burden down at His feet. Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). Through His grace, we can embrace our imperfections, trusting in His strength and wisdom to guide us.
Remember, you are not called to be perfect by worldly standards but to grow in the love and likeness of Christ. By reframing your thoughts, practicing grace toward yourself and others, and focusing on progress rather than perfection, you can walk in greater freedom, joy, and trust in God’s plan for your life.
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago
Ephesians 2:10
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BONUS CONTENT!!!
8 More Helpful Ideas:
1. Reframe: From “I Must Be Enough” to “God’s Grace Is Sufficient”
Meditate on 2 Corinthians 12:9: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Trust that your worth is secure in God, not in your achievements. Try to practice gratitude. Instead of focusing on what you lack or what went wrong, intentionally list three things you’re grateful for each day. Gratitude shifts focus from perfection to God’s blessings.
2. Reframe: From “My Worth Is in My Performance” to “My Worth Is in Christ”
Memorize and internalize Romans 8:1: “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Your identity is grounded in Him, not in how well you perform.
3. Set Realistic Goals: Break tasks into manageable steps and set achievable standards. Remind yourself that doing your best is enough and that God values faithfulness over perfection (Matthew 25:21).
4. Reframe: From “Mistakes Are Bad” to “Mistakes Are Opportunities to Grow”
View mistakes as tools for learning and growth. Proverbs 24:16 says, “Though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again.” God is patient, and His grace allows us to rise after failure.
5. Silence Negative Self-Talk
Replace critical inner dialogue with affirmations based on Scripture, such as “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) or “I am God’s masterpiece” (Ephesians 2:10).
6. Reframe: From “I Must Please Everyone” to “I Seek to Please God”
Focus on serving and pleasing God rather than striving for human approval (Galatians 1:10). Let His opinion of you guide your decisions and actions.
7. Schedule Rest and Reflection
Embrace the biblical principle of rest (Exodus 20:8-10). Take time to reflect on God’s goodness and remind yourself that your worth is not based on constant productivity.
8. Reframe: From “I’m in Control” to “God Is in Control”
Surrender your need for control to God. Trust in His sovereignty, as Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds us to lean not on our understanding but to submit to Him in all things.